My Appa (9th June 1955 – 28th November 2016)

I’m aware that it has been long since I have updated my blog and this is probably the hardest blog that I got to write but the truth needs to be out, anyway. What it is about? It’s about my dad. I might even tear up while writing this blog, but I just have to instead of putting it off for quite a while now. So here it goes. Before I get into it, I wanted to let you guys know that he is no longer alive. He passed away last year on the 28^th of November, 2016 at 1.36 in the afternoon and he was only 61 years old. He was hospitalized for a week before we lost him to Basilar Artery Stroke.  It was a sudden, unexpected death.

Let me tell you about my dad. There are always two sides to a person, the good and the bad. Let me start with the good side of him first. He’s someone who holds strong to his beliefs and views. He’s the bravest man I have ever known. I mean that is how dads are supposed to be, right? Strong, brave, going to that extra mile to support, protect and provide the family. He is the man of the house. He would not show you the pain and suffering he is going through just to give us what we need, just to make us content with everything in life. Without him, a family will not be complete. That was who my dad was. He wasn’t the ideal father type, but he did his job as the man of the house by providing us everything that he could. He put a roof under our head; he provides us with food, clothes, and money, whatever that you needed. He would complain about it when you asked for money and that famous line of his “I don’t have money” (don’t they always), but at the end, without fail, he would give you the money you asked for.

What I meant by him was not the ideal father type was, he does not tell you he loves you or even shows you that he loves you. We are best friends with our mum, but it’s never the same when it comes to our dad. We did not have that father and daughter relationship like how our friends do, practically like every other human being out there. My sister has it though even if it was a certain period of time, she was lucky enough to have that. It was something I wanted so badly. It was something I was not lucky enough to get. There were plenty of times I have asked myself, was there something wrong with me for my dad to not want to be that way with me. I was closer to my mother. She was there throughout all when my dad did not even bother even a little about me. She stood up for me when my dad scolded me for something that my sister did. I was jealous of her and even did not like her at that time, even when I realized later on that it was not her fault at all. 

Love should be equal. It should not feel like it was divided or worse, one-sided. Parents often make this mistake without them realizing. To them, yes, they love all their kids equally and we are not denying it, but in our eyes, the way you show love to one is way different than the other and that, without you realizing, causes a lot of pain, and even hatred at times, in themselves. We are not blaming them, but instead, it should be equal.

My dad lost track of this completely. I would not say he did not love me, but what I’m trying to say is that, I did not feel his love at all and that was where my hatred towards him started. It grew from there. It started when I was small and it continued on when I grew older. Somehow, our family was good. My parents would fight, but then again, fights are normal in the family. After, they would be okay again and it was all going good. Even if my mum and dad was arranged married and they were not even compatible with each other, they still had a good life. When you think everything is going well, that’s when tragedy had to strike, right? That’s what happened to us. Only yesterday it feels like we were all laughing and talking and being happy as a family, at least that’s what I thought, and one huge act of my dad, everything that we had gone down the drain, just like that.

I was 14 then and my sister was 12 and we found out that my dad was having an affair. You see, no matter how much I hated my dad, when someone outside of my family talks ill about him, I would go all the way to stand up for him because we have every right to talk about him since we are family, but who are they to, right? This was something we did not even see it coming. Can you just imagine how my mum felt about it then? It broke me seeing her that way. My mum is my whole world and how would you feel when your whole world fell apart? He did not only destroy her, but us too. We were too young to be going through all of that. We were too young when the damaged was done. I only felt bad at one thing at that time, which was my mum, could just leave him and go her own way and be happy but she stayed, she stayed for us both. She stayed because we were still young and she was not working to just leave like that and support us. She stayed because of us.

It didn’t get better there. It got worse. He apparently got married to her; illegally and also have a son in that process. He could have repented himself, and just come back to us, we would have accepted him and start all over again, but he did not. He added more and more sin because according to him, he went like that because of my mum. Well, that’s the most stupid thing I have ever heard. You are a grown ass man and God has given you brains to differentiate what’s right and wrong  and you decided to rather blame the mistakes that you have committed to someone else than owning up to it? When you were committing the sin, the thought of your wife and your both daughters did not come up in your head? As a father, you were supposed to be a good role model for us to look up to, but you made us both feel so disgusted with the sight of you. What pissed me off was that, you were the one at fault and you were acting like you was not and that we were. For the first time ever, I was so ashamed that you were my dad.

Over the years, I saw my mum transformed. I only knew how strong a person can be just by looking at her. She showed me that. She showed me that even without a man, you can live and you can do so much better than that. At that young age, I decided not to get married because if my dad could do that to my mum then so can any other men out there and the last thing I vow to make sure it does not happen, is that I am never living the life that my mum had. If I do find someone who beyond all that then I would consider, but if not, I’ll never regret it at all. It does not mean I lost my hope in love? I never did.

I wanted to so badly to show my dad how a father should be and most importantly, how a man should be but it is too late now, isn’t it? I don’t really talk to my dad. I would ask him if I wanted anything and if he asked me something, I would answer. That was all the relationships we had with each other. Later on was what I realized that no matter what, I do respect him. No matter what, I still love him. No matter what, he is my dad and I am his daughter. Nothing or no one could ever change that. If only he was a dad to me, I would have done whatever I could for him as his daughter, but he did not give me that opportunity till the very end.

There were a lot of things I wanted him to know, to ask, like how much I hated him for what he have done, how much I looked up to him, how much I wanted to know was why he would do something like that to us, why destroy what we had, why didn’t you show me you love me much, why would you betray my mum and the love she have for you, why made me feel like I was not even good enough as your daughter, why you left us this way, why, why, why? I could only tell him this when he was dying, he was just lying there with his eyes closed, only able to listen to whatever we were saying. He could not even say anything back. He could not even apologize. That’s karma, I guess. That’s God’s game, isn’t it? HE gave you plenty of chances to get out of your mistakes, to change and be a better man, but you decided to go against HIM and whoever decided to do so, this is what happens.

You know what hurts the most knowing that your own dad did not want to have any daughter that he prefers having a son than a daughter. He was so happy when he finally got one and he even told us that he did not like the both of us. Do you know how that felt like for the both of us? It was like we were a sin to him and he despised us. I don’t think I have seen any dad like this. Something in me broke every time I heard that. I mean which kid likes to hear that from their parents, right? The worst part was he proved that when he left us with nothing. Literally NOTHING.

A lot of people have said a lot of things about my dad too. Here’s what I have to say about all of this, about him. He is the most heartless, cruel husband and dad ever for all those things he said and done. He put us through so much of misery and sufferings. He tortured and destroyed our lives. Our family is broken because of him. I hated him so much and I wish he was not my dad and that my mum deserved a way better man than he ever was but then again, we can’t turn back the time. We can’t change what had happened because it already happened. I’m scarred for life, I see the world a little different because of this, but it does not mean, I will be living with this forever. It does not mean, I won’t be happy or I won’t find love or whatsoever, I will and I will forever carry my dad’s name with pride no matter where I go or who I have become.

I’m his daughter, but I will never be the person he was. My dad was not entirely bad, like I said; there are always two sides of a person, good and the bad. You got to choose which one you want to carry with you, especially when the person is no longer alive. I choose to honour those good deeds of him to us. My dad could be the worst person in this entire world, but he is also my father, and I am glad that I am his daughter.I hated him for the things he has done to us, but I also love him for trying to be the best dad he could ever be. 

I was 21 when I lost my dad and now, I’m 22 years old without a dad. It’s hard, it’s too soon, but it’s okay. Soon it would all get better and I am still blessed to be still having both my mother and my sister with me. I am not alone in this. We are in this together and we still are very much a family even without my dad.

So I guess, it doesn’t matter at the end because no matter what, he is my dad and I am his daughter. Nothing and no one can ever change that and I have never been prouder. Thank you, Appa for everything that you have done for us. I apologized for all those I have done too and I know that you have forgiven me like how I have forgiven you.  Thank you for being my Appa and for giving me that opportunity to be your daughter. I hope your soul rest in peace and you will be missed. I love you, nevertheless.

Love, your elder daughter.