Death.

Death is inevitable. Something that you can't escape. Something that will happen to each and every one of us someday. Some of us fear it, and the rest, doesn't even think about it. The ones who have lost someone, would definitely feel this in a more deeper level. We are not afraid of dying but we are afraid of losing the people that we love. We couldn't even imagine it till it happens to us. We can only wish that none of us goes through that pain, but we have no control over it. It's all in God's hands. We would pray so hard for our parents, our love ones to live a longer life and we are not afraid of the thought of them leaving because we are so confident that they are not, at least not any time soon. That was what I thought too. At least not now. Someday but not now. What I never expected in a million years is that I'm gonna be losing my dad when I was 21 years old, but I did. Something that I wish I could turn back time and maybe, I could have saved him. Maybe I could tell him that I do too have those thoughts where I want to give up on life so badly, that I just want to wake up from this never ending nightmares but when I think about my family, I couldn't be selfish. I don't have the heart to leave them that way so I hold on and I had to be strong to go through the pain that I wished so badly to stop. Maybe I could have told him that no matter what we are a family, and we will go through it as a family. I could have, but I didn't and now, it's too late, for me, for him and for us. Too much of guilt and regrets but what can I do now? Literally nothing and that feeling hurts even more than anything else. I thought he was going to be there for my graduation, wedding, birthdays, and so on. I wanted him to see how his daughter turned out and maybe at that moment, other than being proud of me, he would have regretted his mistakes and maybe we could have started it all over again. Losing someone changed something in you too. The fear of losing someone is obviously there. When you hear someone lost someone too, you could imagine how they would have felt. You wished no one would have gone through that feeling but like I said earlier, none of us have any control over it. People left and I couldn't take it because even in those moments, they choose to leave your side when those moments they should have been there. It made me even more afraid to even get close to anyone only because they would leave me too like everyone else did. I thought heartbreak was the worst kind of pain I would feel but I was wrong. Someone's passing away could effect you even more than that. It messes you up in a way that you would have not imagined. It's the worst kinda pain that would drown you in it. How I know? I'm feeling the same exact thing. It's like I'm drowning and I couldn't come up. Some days are harder than the others. Those times, I wished I was gone with my dad too or the God should have taken me instead. Too much pressure, too much sadness, too much pain and I'm so overwhelmed by it all together. There are times I would feel like maybe I do need professional help. I feel like I need to talk to someone to get better, to get out of this because I feel like I'm trap in it forever and I'm afraid that it will ruined me before anything else. All I wanted was that we would be a happy family till the end but my prayers wasn't answered. It hurts. It hurts so bad that I feel like I will never get through it. I don't want to know how it feels like to lose someone. I don't want to feel that pain. I don't want to remember them through the memories I have with them which sooner or later would fade away. I don't want to have the fear that someday I'm going to lose my mum too but I do and I'm afraid that would be the death of me someday. It's not that I didn't appreciate him at all,I did. I did appreciate him. I just didn't tell him this. Despite all of the things that I'm feeling, I have to be strong without a choice. I have to be strong for my family, I have to be strong for myself and sometimes, I don't want to at all, but like I said, I don't have a choice. It's so tiring and it takes up everything that's left of me. I have to go through of it whether I like it or not. I have to deal with it but I'm so lost that I don't even know how to deal with it. I'm trying but it's so hard. It will not be the same, but I know someday, it will all get better. So to those of you who are lucky to have both of your parents with you, appreciate them, spend time with them, make them happy, do whatever you can for them because they are not gonna be around for long and I don't want you to regret it like I do. So please, don't make the mistakes that I have done. It's not too late for some of you like how it is for the few of us. To the parents, we all make mistakes. As humans, we all do but it does not mean you can't solve it. When you feel it's too much, and you don't know what else to do then please, go talk to your family about it because we are supposed to go through it together no matter what. We are not supposed to give up on each other because the things that you do will always effect your kids too. Remember that because as said as Pam Leo, "Let's raise children who won't have to recover from their childhoods." So I'll end it here with the hope that all of us would start appreciating the ones we love more and start realising the value of a person's life because life is too short and we don't have forever with a person even if we think that we do.