Appa ❤️

I know I've been blaming you for these past few days especially when I'm so hurt and broken because of something else. I blamed you for what you have done. If you have been a proper dad then we wouldn't be suffering this way. I wouldn't be having the thought that my relationship would be like yours too. That was the only thing I prayed so badly from before that my relationship should never be like my parents. My biggest fear, you could say. Lately, I came across this article by Natalia Lusinski titled, "How your relationship with your dad can affect your love life." "If you had a great relationship with your dad, you will most likely have few struggles in your relationships with men,” said Shirani M. Pathak. “If you didn’t have such a great relationship with your dad, expect to find yourself struggling in your relationships with men.” So this was going on in my mind quite sometime because it made sense. At least a little. But why am I talking about this now? Because I had a dream of you last night. It was really hard for me when I was telling Amma about the dream. I even cried because it hurts. The dream was about us seeing you and we were hugging you crying and you seemed happy and in peace, you were holding us in your arms and telling us not to cry and that we shouldn't worry while wiping my tears away and when we parted ways, you hugged us and told us that you love us with that same smile on your face and I told you I love you too. It broke my heart because that situation should have happened when you were alive and not in my dream. Appa, I know you've been listening and looking down on us all this while and that message was to actually tell us that you actually did care and love us but failed to say it to us instead. I'm so sorry for blaming you even after you have left us. It's just that there's that fear and the fact that I was hoping so bad that the outcome would have turned better at the end but it didn't. I miss you so much every day that it hurts. No matter what, I want you to know that I will always love you and I will be proud to be your daughter and no matter where you are now, I will always make you proud. You have never been the greatest dad but you were mine and I'm grateful that I had you as my dad than anyone else. 

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