The Demon in Her

According to Atticus, “I worry there is something broken in our generation; there are so many sad eyes on happy faces.” This quote is somehow painfully true. There are so many things that are wrong with her that she does not know what it is or how to explain it even. She tried putting it off because she does not want to come to terms with it. She has always been good at running away when things get worse. She prefers not dealing with it. She does not want to put herself through the pain. That is how she had been dealing with it all this time. She knows that is not the best way to deal with it but she got used to it and frankly, she has no idea how else to deal with it. She is doing what is best for her even though it might not be the best thing for her. She knows that too. She can’t quite figure out what is wrong with her. Is she going through depression? Anxiety? Bipolar disorder? Or is she going crazy? Or is she just fine? Which one is it? Is it even any of that or something far more badly than that? One thing for sure though, she overthinks. Heck, she is probably doing it now. But you wouldn’t know that. Even she does not know that. Her overthinking will get worse till her heart is beating so fast and it hurts, she feels something is closing upon her till she can’t breathe and she feels like she is going to cry. Is that anxiety? She has no idea, but it definitely feels like that. Her mood is unpredictable. One moment she is so happy, and the next she is not. She can be happy, sad, and angry all at once. She can get really mean too and the words that come out from her mouth, she knows it cuts too deep. She knows what to say to destroy someone and that scares her. She knows that she doesn’t mean it and she knows that is not who she is. She is definitely trying though. It’s hard, but she is trying. Her overthinking even caused her to not sleep at night because she was afraid how far her mind could take her. It was a never-ending nightmare. That was why she started being awake at night and she will only sleep when she is tired and now, that has been her routine. Now, she got used to it. You might think it is normal to feel all that. She thought the same too but she wasn’t so sure either. She is one hell of a complicated person and that makes everything else harder. When all that happens, the only thing that really can make her feel sane is when she’s at the temple. The only place that keeps her sane. Praying right now is the only thing that is keeping her alive and sane because there are days that she would feel she’s losing it all, her mind, her sanity, and herself. She has thought about asking for help. Maybe see a psychiatrist. The thing is that she is not sure if she should. When she is okay, she wouldn’t want to because she thinks that she can settle this on her own, but there are days that it gets overwhelming and it’s so hard to keep it under control. It’s harder some days than other days. Another reason was that she hates the fact that she has to talk about it all. It is not something that she wants or likes to do either. She does not want to do it, but she needs to. At least for her, because she can’t be expecting people to fix her. Only she can fix herself and if she wants to help someone else, she needs to be okay first. Most of the time, she feels like the reason she is being this way could be because she comes from a broken family. She struggled a lot with her dad when he was alive. She is still struggling even after he passed away. She told him she let him go but to be honest, she lied because she hasn’t let him go. She couldn’t. She is been holding on to the past a lot and she knows she needs to let it go but to be honest, she does not know how or even if she is ready for it. If people look too deep or even know the things that goes in her head and her life, they would see how messed up it is because it is a mess. She is. Her life is. And everything that comes with it. There are other things that come with it too, like, trust issues, fear of being attached to someone, fear of people leaving her, and paranoia. She’s broken, fragile but yet, she’s strong. She does not like people to see her in her weakest moment. She hates that so, therefore, she is good at hiding it all. She knows whatever she wrote now is something that is not positive but she needs to get it all out. Maybe in writing, it will all make sense, and maybe it doesn’t. She just wants to get it all out and this is not even close to all, but this is the beginning of it. People need to start talking about things like this or far worse than this. Listening, watching or reading about it is not enough. We need to do something about it. We need to start acknowledging it and start talking about it because it can get worse. It already has. There are a lot of people who are committing suicide because not even one person is able to listen and be there for them. Not even one person could make them see that life is worth living no matter how hard it gets. Not even one person could be nice. That is the problem. All of us should start being nice because none of us know what each other are going through. She is not going to sit here and lie that she does not have suicidal thoughts. She does have it. One slit on her wrist can end everything, her pain, sufferings, everything. She does not have to think about it or go through it anymore but she could not do it because of her family she is leaving behind, because she constantly is thinking about how broken they can be when they already are so she rather goes through it even though there are times that she can’t anymore. The thing is most people are not like her. They are far worse. It could be harder for them so therefore, the least any of us could do is be nice to one another. Be nice! Be kind! You may be able to save a life. To those who are going through it, no one can understand it as you do. I know that because I’m going through it too. But suicide is never the answer. Think about the people you are leaving behind. You think they are going to be fine without you, you are wrong. You can get through this. You can get out of this. It is not going to be easy, but you will survive. We both will be okay. No matter who you are and if you are reading this, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. You have me, and a lot more people like us out there and together, we will be just fine. How do I know this? I don’t actually. I have no idea but I have hope. A little bit of hope which I hope it is enough to survive and one day, to be nothing, but truly happy.